What I’m Reading: Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors.

What I’m Reading

Reflections on relationship, nervous systems, and staying connected when things get hard.

I’m currently reading Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors by Robyn Gobbel, and it’s been shaping how I think about nervous systems, relationship, and behavior, especially through a neurodivergent lens.

So many of the behaviors adults find “baffling,” including meltdowns, shutdowns, refusal, rigidity, and big emotions, are common expressions of neurodivergent nervous systems under stress. They aren’t signs of manipulation or poor character. They’re signals of overload, unmet needs, or a system that has reached its capacity.

Gobbel doesn’t treat these moments as problems to control. She treats them as moments that ask for connection.

Behavior as a Reach for Connection

One of the ideas that keeps echoing for me as I read is a shift from seeing big behavior as something to protect against, to seeing it as a reach toward connection.

When a child’s system is overwhelmed, it’s easy to assume they’re being aggressive, oppositional, or unsafe. But often, what’s actually happening is a nervous system that can’t stay regulated on its own anymore.

The behavior isn’t about protection.

It’s about not wanting to be alone in the overwhelm.

That reframe changes how I feel in my body as I respond. Instead of bracing, I soften. Instead of controlling, I orient toward presence.

Neurodivergence and Capacity

A core theme in this book is that capacity is state-dependent.

A child may be able to communicate clearly, adapt, or cooperate in one moment, and completely lose access to those same skills in another. That isn’t inconsistency or manipulation. It’s neurology.

For neurodivergent kids, stress stacks quickly:

• sensory input

• social demands

• transitions

• unspoken rules

• pressure to perform regulation

When capacity drops, choice disappears. Behavior shifts because the nervous system is doing the best it can to stay connected and survive the moment.

How This Relates to Somatica for Me

Reading Gobbel, I keep thinking about Somatica.

In Somatica, we work with the understanding that behavior is adaptive and relational. When people lose access to choice, it isn’t because they don’t care. It’s because their nervous system is doing something very intelligent under pressure.

What Gobbel names with children is the same thing I see in adults. Regulation comes from relationship, not willpower.

In Somatica, we don’t ask people to override their nervous systems. We build safety, expand capacity gradually, and practice returning to connection after moments of rupture.

This book feels like that same orientation, translated for caregiving relationships.

Consent, Co-Regulation, and Repair

Another place this book overlaps with Somatica for me is in its respect for nervous system limits.

Instead of forcing kids to tolerate more than they can handle, Gobbel asks what support would make the moment more workable. That’s a consent-based approach to care, even when boundaries are still present.

And when things go sideways, the focus isn’t on getting it right. It’s on repair.

Repair restores trust.

Repair restores choice.

Repair restores connection.

That principle holds whether we’re talking about kids, partners, or ourselves.

Why This Book Is Staying With Me

Raising Kids With Big, Baffling Behaviors offers language for something many neurodivergent people have always known in their bodies.

Big behavior is often a reach for connection, not a threat that needs to be shut down.

For anyone raising neurodivergent kids, or unlearning the idea that their own needs were once “too much,” this book offers a steady, compassionate frame.

One that says you make sense.

And you don’t have to do this alone.